No one has died yet. I repeat this to myself when I start feeling the way I felt after my father died. It’s hard to be awake. It’s hard to look at reality directly and not give into the pressure to pretend that everything is fine when nothing is.
We live upside down. “Woke” is pejorative because a convict has been re-elected President of the United States. Everyone is sick all the time but few wear masks or mitigate against airborne viruses because doing so would disrupt the simulacrum of “normality.”
Illness is a sign that you don't live in fear even though there are so many reasons to be afraid. If you get sick, you risk losing everything. Once you’re homeless, you’ll be offered medical assistance in dying and thrown away.
You keep driving and flying despite the illness and despite the fires and floods. The fires in Canada are already burning out of control and it’s June 1. Already the sky out west is full of soot and airborne particles. There is no indication from any level of government that people should protect themselves by wearing respirator masks. The government says that it wants to keep people safe while avoiding all talk about climate change.
Sometimes, I wish I could suspend disbelief. People who are against vaccines believe that all illness can be blamed on vaccines. How simple life would be if I could believe that everything bad that happens to me is due to vaccines rather than to bad luck or lack of money or poor government policy. It would be so much simpler if all I had to do was avoid a needle that the government won’t make available to me anymore.
I haven’t looked into the conspiracy theories regarding the fires, but I expect that they’ll involve blaming the Liberal government, which deserves a lot of blame but not for the reasons indicated in the theories, and not blaming the oil companies or the imperial way of living.
I am so tired. I’ve been experiencing hot flashes and strong emotions. I have become a raisin. Everything is parched; I await only a spark.
After my father died, I really wanted to believe in God. I thought that if I could suspend my disbelief, even for a moment, I would find comfort. But, despite my desperation, I could never do it. I would lie in bed and dream about how suspension would grant relief and instead cling obstinately to disbelief.